I grew up near a beach town with plenty of tourists. Just because they were on vacation, they didn’t seem to think that they had suddenly turned into swimsuit models with buns of steel or that they should suddenly start dressing as if they had gotten there by hopping a freight train. They seemed to know that it’s not right to break fashion rules on vacation any more than it is to break traffic laws.
If you don’t have any muscles, don’t wear a muscle-T. You don’t look tough; you look like a suspect.
If you are not an Olympic swimmer or diver, or European, do not wear a Speedo. I’m not nearly as afraid of creeping European-style socialism as I am of creepy European-style beachwear.
Don’t put that white zinc oxide on your nose if you’re not a lifeguard. Even if you are a lifeguard, it’s questionable. It makes you look as if you were on your way to a war dance but it got cancelled due to good weather. Sunscreen and a hat will work just fine -- and I’m talking about a real hat, not one that holds two beer cans.
Wear age-appropriate clothing. Spandex is not supposed to have wrinkles. If you have the body of a shuffleboarder, don’t dress like you’re a volleyballer. You may win the volleyball match, but only by default because everyone else has left in disgust.
Wearing black socks on the beach is even worse than wearing a tie on the beach. Which is even worse than wearing a thong. The worst possible beach outfit? Black socks with a thong.