Published: February 11, 2008 08:09 am            

Lawmaker wants restaurants to police heavy patrons

Phil Riddle

No one wants to hear the phrase, “Sorry buddy, I can tell you’ve had enough.”

No. Not at a bar, but at a restaurant.

A state lawmaker in Mississippi wants to ban restaurants from serving food to obese diners.

Yep, constitution be damned.

Republican Rep. John Read of Gautier said he wasn’t serious about making the bill law, he just wanted to shed some light on a growing problem in his home state. Plus a little face time in an election year didn’t hurt, did it John?

Read, who stands 5-11 and weighs in at 230 pounds, admits he might get ousted from his favorite burger joint under his own legislation.

Wouldn’t that be a sight. A holier-than-thou maker of the rules getting denied his cheese fries.

“Sorry Mr. Read, but according to the bill you authored, all I’m allowed to sell you is a house salad with two tablespoons of light ranch dressing and a diet soda. Don’t even think about dessert until you shed 20 pounds or stop making stupid laws.”

According to a 2007 study by the Trust for America’s Health, more than 30 percent of adults in Mississippi are considered obese.

That’s a problem that really should be dealt with, but turning restaurant owners into the cholesterol police is going a bit far.

“Sir, could you step away from the jambalaya and put your hands on the bar. Sir, drop the breadstick. You have the right to remain tubby. Anything you eat can and will be held against you. If you desire a dietitian, but cannot afford one, one will be provided for you by the state. Do you understand these rights?”

According to the Associated Press, the bill provides no guidelines for defining obesity or how eating establishments are supposed to determine if a customer is obese.

What’s next?

Will some self-sanctimonious politician have assistant managers at grocery stores monitoring who buys what?

“I’m sorry ma’am, but according to a newly-enacted state law, anyone wearing a muu-muu is prohibited from purchasing Chips Ahoy. The fresh fruit aisle is to your left. And I’ll take that cheesecake. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping with us.”

That could create a black market for some diners.

“Hey man, I’m jonesing for a Monte Cristo sandwich,” a large man mutters in the muffled glow of a streetlight.

“Got no Monte Cristos, man,” a voice says across the darkness, “but I can let you have a Hershey bar for $10.”

“Sold.”

Democrat Steve Holland, the state House Public Health Committee Chairman, says he will “shred” the bill.

“It’s too oppressive for government to require a restaurant owner to police another human being from their own indiscretions,” Holland said.

Yeah, like voting for these goobers.

        

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