Published: March 20, 2006 02:39 pm         

Higher learning for couples; New classes announced

As stated on the base of the statue on the campus of Faber College, “Knowledge is Good.”

With that in mind, I’d like to share an e-mail I received recently announcing a tongue-in-cheek two-day curriculum by WICOE (Women In Charge of Everything).

The classes are open to men only and include: Successfully Filling Ice Trays, Toilet Rolls - Do They Grow on the Holders, and Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The Floor.

According to the e-mail, a maximum of eight men will be accepted, due to class difficulty.

There is also a panel discussion titled Dishes and Silverware: Do They Levitate or Fly to Kitchen Sinks or Dishwashers, along with Remote Control, which offers a support group for men who have lost theirs, and Learning How To Find Things, which is an open forum explaining a logical progression to recovering misplaced items rather than turning a home upside-down while screaming obscenities at inanimate objects.

Studies on Day Two get even more difficult.

There’s Empty Milk Cartons: Do They Belong in the Fridge or the Bin, which is a group discussion highlighted by role playing, and Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health, which is a Power Point presentation.

There are even a pair of classes for advanced students.

First, there’s Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost, which features the real-life testimonial of Wilbert Funswatter, the last male to attempt such a feat. Wilbert actually did stop and ask for directions during a family vacation to the Grand Canyon in 1978.

Then, there’s Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks. (By the way, it is.) This one employs a driving simulation.

Wait, you ask, why are there no comparable classes for women?

Now offered by Males Unabashedly Tired of Enduring Duress (MUTED) are courses for the fairer sex.

For novices in advanced education there is Advice on Surgically Removing a Cell Phone from the Ear, Elementary Map Folding, Living with the Heartbreak of a Raised Toilet Lid and Throwing Out Old Clothes That Have Neither Fit Nor Been in Fashion Since the Partridge Family was on TV.

Graduate students may also participate in a group therapy session called Shopping is not a Sport and Romance Novels Aren’t Literature, or The Smoke Alarm is NOT an Oven Timer.

There are even classes for couples. For instance, How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. In this course two adults will be taken to a shopping mall with a list of things to purchase and a set amount of money to spend.

The last couple to leave the mall will set the grading curve. The class normally takes between three and four days. It is recommended that both members of each team wear comfortable hiking shoes and carry a ready supply of Prozac or Xanax.

The last class for advanced learners offered by both MUTED and WICOE is Getting Over It; Learning How to Live With Being Wrong All the Time.

The class officially begins with the sexes forming their own discussion groups. The men figure out a way to smuggle in a beer keg and a small television, while the women work out a community shoe-shopping carpool.

Individual counselors are available, but since neither side thinks it is wrong, they’re never utilized.

     

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