Published: July 10, 2009 04:08 pm      

Driver claims he lost his pants

Phil Riddle

editor@weatherforddemocrat.com

There are a lot of reasons I really appreciate law enforcement officers.

They watch over us while we are asleep. They find and arrest bad people so we can feel safe going about our daily doings. They foil bank robbers, direct traffic to help us get to our destinations and back, and just basically keep the evil-doers off the streets and away from us.

But, probably most importantly, they patiently deal with the oddest of human behavior so the rest of us might be spared.

“Give me an example,” you say.

I was hoping you’d ask.

A deputy in Rising Sun, Md. suspected a driver was intoxicated and eased up behind the car being driven by 41-year-old Jonathan Schultz and pulled him over.

According to Lt. Bernard Chiminto, a spokesman for the Cecil County Sheriff’s Office, the deputy smelled alcohol and then noticed Schultz was driving “commando.”

The suspected drunken driver, covered only by a towel, told the deputy he’d lost his pants, but none were found in a search of the vehicle.

Don’t you think a better story was in order when the deputy asked why the inebriated driver wasn’t wearing jeans, slacks or Bermuda shorts?

“I lost them” is the response you’d expect from a 10-year-old when asking where he left his juice box and raisins.

I remember stories of some monumental parties in college, but I must admit, I’ve never even heard of a bash that resulted in the permanent loss of pants.

It could be he was the victim of a practical joke back at the party, and somewhere in Rising Sun there is a flag pole with Jonathan’s Dockers flying.

Maybe he’s just not a very good strip poker player.

Perhaps he lost his shirt in the current economy, so he mortgaged his pants.

So many questions come to mind.

First, where did he store the keys he used to start the car? Unless, of course, he lost his drawers while he was driving, which is a scenario I’d pay to see.

Secondly, how drunk do you have to be to think it’s OK to slip behind the wheel to head home, even though you’re not dressed? Aren’t you still going to have to go from the car to the door when you get home? I bet he was hoping he didn’t run out of gas.

There’s one thing of which you can be sure — if you are driving around naked in July, you DON’T have vinyl seats.